Where · Dreams · Meet · Reality

Justin has decided to start over. To erase the last three years and everything we put each other through and start anew. I agreed. As much as I've been there for him and done things for him. I feel a new start is the only way of fixing things. But I feel that even with the starting over I still won't get the same treatment as everyone else. If I invite him to dinner or to hang out somewhere he'll turn me down. But he won't turn his other down. And I'm still trying to get use to and understand his twisted definition of friendship. He once said I was one of his close friends. He's my best friend (yes I have several). To me you talk a lot and hang out a lot. To him it's not. I don't understand it.

I have found though that I'm not at 'obsessed' with him as I use to be. I can be away from him and not have contact with him for a few days and be fine. I don't feel scared all the time with him. And I don't feel so wrapped up in him. I push myself by thinking about him with other woman. And slowly it's getting easier. They say that things always get harder before they get better. I think I'm finally getting close to the end of the 'harder' part. And getting 'better' is right around the corner.

I seem to do this every time. My livejournal changes with me. Though I still can not talk about half the stuff running through my head, that never changes. I try to be happy, but it's become increasingly hard. Things having been going well with Justin and I'm happy about that. We are finally getting along relatively well. A few scrapes every now and again. Which is to be expected. And for the most part I get over them and move on and act as if it never happened. I'm learning to trust him more and more everyday and doubt him less. It's far easier to put my mind at ease these days. But there are other things that occupy the darkness of my mind. Things that never bothered me or that I shrugged off now haunt me. They play over and over in my mind all day driving me to tears. I can't escape them. They plague me even in my dreams.

Everything and Nothing

They love eachother. But he's in love with a girl. And she's in love with a guy. The only difference is he gets the girl. And she doesn't get the guy. Because guys like him don't fall for girls like her.

Tommaltach: Do you have an address for Hamster College?

Halfdan: 893 West St, Amherst, MA 01002 (Hampshire College).

Bombay filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy on Thursday. We will definately be open through the holidays, but after Christmas is going to be really ify. I'm glade I found another job already. They've already gone public with it.

Star-Telegram

Planning on going to Haven on Oct 30!!! I'm off Wednesday to go to Salem. Definitely living it up this Halloween/Samhain.

I hate how I look. I'm ugly. I have a big nose, acne, acne scares, screwed up hair, fat thighs and little tits. I might be thin but I'm out of shape. I'm out of perportion. Nothing about me flows. I have stretch marks, and cellulite. I have a belly bump. I have little eyes and thin lips. I have big feet and small ankles and calves. You can see my veins popping up everywhere, I'm veiny.
People tell me that I'm beautiful. I have guys flirting with me and trying to get with me. Some guys think I'm sexy and I can get them to do tricks just to see me naked. But sometimes it's the actions that have more meaning behind them than the words. The words mean nothing to me if the actions aren't there to back them up. They are empty. You say I'm pretty, but you make me feel ugly. Now this isn't directed at one person in particular. It applies to everyone.

The people working at Bombay in Clinton are so immature. I've worked there twice since I decided that I wanted to stay in Longmeadow. It didn't go over well. I expected some tension, but nothing like what is going on now. I went through both shifts with no one talking to me. Not even a hi. And now everyone is best friends with Jenn, when they use to talk about her and make fun of her. Now she can't do anything wrong. And if they do say something to me it's snippy. The store manager won't even say hi. Like I told Justin, it's slip your wrist depressing down there and I'd rather be hanging out with him and Julia than at Clinton. At least I wouldn't be spending 5-9 hrs working around people and not being able to talk to them. You can also feel the tension and negativity in the air.
All of this could have been avoided if the store manager had only done her job and taken action. I told Robin about Jenn giving me attitude a couple of times when attitude wasn't necessary. The first time I told Robin about it she said the Jenn was in the right. When has it ever been okay for a co-worker to give another co-worker attitude. The second time I told Robin about Jenn she shrugged it off. She gave me the impression that she didn't care about it. Yet because they are shorthanded and I had already said that I would transfer there I'm stuck there til they find help (which they are dragging there feet about). This can't be legal. They shouldn't be able to keep me there with the way everyone is acting towards me. One employee was rude to me. I went to my store manager about it. She did nothing. So I did something. I'm not the bad person. They are acting like I should have just dealt with her attitude. And if they were planing on doing something about it, they should have at least said, 'okay we will talk to her'. But when I'm given the impression that my complaint doesn't matter, than I will take steps to get away from the situation before it can escalate.

I'm really fed up with men hitting on me and flirting with me. What part of I'm not interested do they not understand? I don't want to date anyone, I want to be single and focus on my life. Why can't people just respect that? And just because Justin is a mono relationship doesn't mean I want someone else. And doesn't mean that I'm available. i don't want someone. I want to straighten out my life and get it on track. I don't have the time, patience, energy, interest, or emotional mind set to dedicate to a guy or relationship. Especially not someone that can't respect my decision to be single and to not want to be hit one or flirted with. Is it too much to ask? You can be my friend, but nothing more. I'm not the type of person who gets over one guy by fucking another. That's not me. I'm literally going insane over it. I just want to get on with my life in a way I'm comfortable with. Not how someone else thinks I should. I just want to be single and not be hounded by men. I just want to heal in peace. If anyone has ever honestly and truly ever been in love than they would understand that getting over and moving on isn't easy. And that it takes time and everyone handles it differently. People who don't, have NEVER been in love. I've just made a new friend at work, Tiffany, Sheena is back from Maine, and I have catching up to do with Alaina. I have also started a great job with Target and I'm looking for an apartment. I'm slowly moving on. I do have relapses, but at least I'm putting effort into it.

Poll #1047824
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 1

Which am I more like?

I couldn't do it. I reconciled with Justin. I have so much going on in my life right now that I need my best friend. I tore myself up over it. I thought it was the right thing to do, but it felt so wrong. So I talked to him today and fixed things (I hope). I feel better and it feels like everything is right again. My whole thought was, I'm gonna be extremely busy over the next few months, I'm only going to be able to talk to him once or twice a week and maybe if I'm lucky get a practice in once and a while. So why walk away when I'm barley going to talk to and/or see him to begin with? There is no point. My work schedule will isolate me to begin with. There is no need to add to it. We're going to be separated enough and I'll be distracted enough that I will have the time to get over him and still have my best friend. I can have my cake and eat it too. I need my best friend. And I think this will work better. I felt so depressed, more than before, and I felt empty. He's my best friend and I want to fix things between us.

I don't even know how to begin this but I'm gonna try. Found out this morning that Julia and Justin are together and a mono relationship (saw that one coming). So I told him was had been bothering me for weeks now. That I couldn't be his friend anymore. That to be around him would hurt too much. And to this he got irrated and annoyed. Said I was acting like a child for telling him this. Yet he gets pissed when I stop talking to someone and don't tell them why. I told him that I need to get over him before I could be friends with him. And that when I was over him that I would like to be friends again. He told me well see. And when I told him I was only taking a step back, that I need to do this, that this would be good for our friendship he told me that I was taking a leap back. To make a long story short, in the end we decided this: that we are still friends, but that we won't communicate with each other til I'm ready, with the exception that if he ever needs a friend to talk to that he can come to me, that I will still be there for him during tough times (he got upset that I had told him once that no matter what we were best friends and that I would always be there for him and I still intend to be). And I want to be there for him. If he needs someone to talk to, I will be there. He told me that he would put me at the end of the list so as not to disturb me, screw that, put me at the top. He's still my best friend. And I will be back, I just need some space and time to over come my feelings for him. To get on a level were I can see him and not hurt, not cry and not be so damn hateful and jealous. And not try to seduce him, CAUSE I WILL, DON'T PUT IT PAST ME (and I don't want to hear anything about the Brian thing).

I miss him like hell, and it hurts like hell too. I believe it was the right thing to do, even though it feels so wrong. I need to grieve and I need to heal. And most of all I need to find myself. I need to become happy about everything in my life and not just one person and what we have going on.
I don't know what else to say. I guess I'm scared that Justin won't let me back in. That he will never forgive me. And I makes me want to go running back. I don't want to lose him as a friend too. I just wanted some time. What does he want? For me to hurt. He told me to just suck it up and deal with it. WTF?! I don't know how to take that. I that if he really loved me he would understand and support me in this. That he would want me to get better.

I JUST HAD THE FLIPPIN RUG RIPPED OUT FROM UNDER ME!!!!
I think I need to just stop right there, before I say something I will regret, too much hatred and rage is in me right now, with just a handful of jealousy.

*NOTES*
1. Don't talk shit about him, I'm just gonna kick you out of my life. I still love him
2. Don't hit on me, I'm not interested. Ya might get punched in the face
3. Don't try to push me into doing things I don't want to do. I'm very hostile right now
4. Don't bring 'it' up, I don't want to talk about it. it won't help me move on
5. Don't touch me with out asking. I've very irritable
6. Don't ask about archery, I stopped my lessons for now. I'm pissy about it
7. Don't be a fake friend, I need distractions, not lies. I'm not in the mood for that shit

Can I ask you a question please
Promise you won't laugh at me
Honestly I'm standing here
Afraid I'll be betrayed.
As twisted as it seems, I only fear love when it's in my dreams
So let in the morning light and let the darkness fade away
Can you turn my black roses red?

Drowning in my loneliness
How long must I hold my breath
So much emptiness inside I could fill the deepest sea
I reach to the sky as the moon looks on
One last year has come and gonne
It's time to let your love rain down on me
Can you turn my black roses red?
Cuz I'm feelin like I'll blame in on love

-'Black Roses Red' Alana Grace
(edited for this post)

I think I've posted this before but I felt I needed to post it (again?)

Love Games

A new study used simulated relationships to offer new insight into real romance—showing how certain personality traits can sabotage healthy bonds.

By Sarah Kliff
Newsweek
Updated: 2:15 p.m. PT Aug 15, 2007

Aug. 15, 2007 - Your boyfriend’s cell phone starts ringing and the name of his ex flashes on the screen. As he heads to the other room to take the call, do you get angry, deciding that your boyfriend is fanning old flames? Or hardly blink, assuming that the call indicates that he ends relationships without burning bridges? Do you hold a grudge for the next few days or move on?
Your attitude toward situations like these—whether you tend to get jealous or stay cool—largely determines how you make decisions in a romantic context and how well you’re able to bond with a partner, according to a study published recently in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. Amanda Vicary, a graduate student in psychology at the University of Illinois, had 559 participants engage in a simulated relationship online, repeatedly interacting with a virtual love interest. She found that it’s not as much the romantic cards you’re dealt that matter but how you play them. Those with personalities that were prone to anxiety or intimacy avoidance were more likely to push the liaison in a negative direction, and they wound up less satisfied overall.
Previous studies looked at individual situations in a relationship, such as whether a participant would get anxious if his girlfriend did not call all day. While these studies delved into how different personalities react in specific romantic scenarios, they were not good representations of how a relationship works over time, where each interaction has an impact on the next, according to Vicary. When study participants engage in a single scenario, they don’t need to consider how their actions will play out in the future. Vicary wanted to develop a study that was a better model, where each interaction is part of an ongoing sequence of events that has the potential to alter the relationship’s course. “If you knew there was more to come, we thought that it would change how you act,” says Vicary. “It would be more like a real relationship.
To better simulate real-life romantic situations, Vicary employed an unconventional study tool: “Choose Your Own Adventure” books, a young-adult series that allows readers to make critical plot decisions—will the main character fight off the zombies on her own, for example, or run for help? Vicary adapted the book’s interactive formula to create a “Choose Your Own Relationship” narrative, where study participants could make decisions about how to interact with their partner—would they break off the relationship when it starts getting serious or sit down and talk about it? Support the boyfriend when his family’s dog dies, or expect him to man up and quit whining?
Vicary found that answers to those questions largely depended on the personality traits of the individual making them. Before participants began “dating” their virtual partner, she had them complete a questionnaire designed to measure their levels of avoidance and anxiety. Avoidant individuals are less likely to form close relationships or disclose their emotions, making it difficult for their partners to know what they’re thinking or feeling. Those who score highly on the anxiety dimension tend to have difficulty trusting their partners and become jealous easily, which can often drive the person they’re trying to get close to further away.
She found that those who ranked highly on those two traits were more likely to make the “wrong” relationship decisions—to start snooping through their boyfriend’s text messages, for example, or assume that their girlfriend’s late phone call means she’s been seeing someone else. “The people who made worse choices ended up less satisfied when reacting to the exact same situations [than those who made the right decisions],” says Vicary. “It indicates that they’re getting something wrong in the relationship.”
The results of this study are part of a larger body of research on attachment theory, a psychological model of how individuals create and sustain affectionate relationships. “All the way through life, when we’re frightened, the natural tendency is to seek support and help from some attachment figure,” says Phil Shaver, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis. Psychologists first used attachment theory to study how infants interact with adult caregivers. In the 1980s, they began to see that the same tendencies are amplified in romantic relations where, says Shaver, “you’re getting closer to the person’s vulnerabilities.”
Attachment theory postulates that an individual’s anxiety and avoidance levels largely depend on the outcomes of previous social interactions. “Most of the variance [in those levels] is due to how we’ve been treated,” says Shaver. “All of us are carrying around thousands of interactions. Either we could count on the people close to us and as a result are stable and open, or we’re carrying around various kinds of injuries from interactions that were not supportive.”
How much can a virtual simulation of romance really tell us about the real thing? This research gets closer to modeling a relationship by encouraging participants to think about future interactions with their partner. But it’s not exactly true love. “Reading a scenario is not the same as standing next to your partner at a party,” says Vicary. For those who want to give simulated romance a whirl, the study is still online at www.yourpersonality.net.

 

Lords and ladies of the Ren Faire, you know you are a rennie if thou:

Canst speaketh like an Elizabethan.

Know that real men wear kilts.

Hear someone shout "hail" and don't look to the sky.

Are intimate with the rules of dueling.

Know what and where the SCA is

Have been arrested for wearing revealing clothing on the Sabbath day.

Spell magik properly.

Have ever eaten soup in a bread bowl.

Risk the shame of palming with a companion of the opposite sex because you like the dirty looks from noblewomen

Spend more money on time period garb than on modern clothing.

Use the word 'garb' in daily life.

Have ever listened to bagpipes and loved it!

Can dress and speak like a proper pirate, complete with parrot.

Regularly participate in swordfights, and are so skilled that *usually* no one dies.

Have met the Bard or his contemporaries.

Know who the Bard is...

Understand the humor of steak on a stake.

Know the difference between a fag and a fop.

Have no less than two weapons peace tied to your person at all times.

Can shoot a decent arrow.

Ever wore a corset and liked it.

Saw a girl in a corset, and loved it.

Know all the rules and regulations associated with becoming a falconer.

Shout "God save the Queen/King" at passing monarchs.

Wear chainmail for fun first and protection second.

Eat with the best silverware in history: your fingers!

Have ever used you corset cleavage to coax shop merchants into giving you or your friends discounts.

Know that tang isn't only an orange drink.

Can have a conversation with someone using the word 'tang' and know what you're talking about.

Know and honor the code of chivalry.

Have watched a joust and wished you could be the one in armour on the horse.

Only have hobbies involving Faire activities, i.e. falconry, archery, chainmail, swordfighting... etc.

Leave for Faire so early that it's dark and you arrive more than an hour early

Have ever been asked to try a pickle on a stick: "stab the one you love"

Enjoy and look forward to public punishment.

Regularly enjoy the delights of a gigantic turkey leg.

Own anything made of leather.

Know the difference between court and the court.

Own at least one cloak (more is better).

Think that stoning is a perfectly acceptable punishment for any crime.

Think that Faire should be year round. You know you secretly want to wear your garb to Faire in the snow.

If any of these apply to you, then congrats! You're a Rennie! Now get thyself to the Faire!

I got my laptop yesterday. Yay! I'm so happy. Now I'm connected. And you will be seeing a lot more of me!!

Kiss Kiss